Learning To Say NO

Learning To Say NO

Imagine your friend invites you to a party and for whatever reason you don’t want to go but can’t say no. You want to come home early today to celebrate your son’s birthday but your boss tells you to stay late. You want to say no but you can’t. You are just about to leave your home and all of a sudden the phone rings. It’s a friend who wants you to go and watch a movie. You’re busy, but hey it’s your friend and so you can’t say no.

If you’ve identified yourself with any of the  above or similar scenarios, then this might just be the post you want to read.

Many situations in life require you to say NO and stand up for your rights, but because you fear disapproval from others, you comply with their desires and requests. We’ve been taught culturally that saying “no” sounds rude and so we try to be “nice”. But being nice is overrated, especially at the cost of our self-esteem. The book “Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No” by Herbert and Jean Baer says it this way:

“The more you stand up for yourself and act in a manner you respect, the higher will be your self-esteem.”

I am not suggesting that you start acting like a jerk and say no to each and every request that is made, but when situation demands, know what your rights are and stand up for your self, though don’t be aggressive.

Aggressiveness VS Passiveness

Aggressiveness is when you tend be violent while persuading others to come in terms with you. Say “no” aggressively and you guarantee that your relationships with others will be hurt. Passiveness is when you’re too afraid to express your rights and so remain timid and shallow so that the situation remains under control. Being aggressive or passive can reflect in all areas of life, big or small.

A Personal Example of Passiveness

Here’s a personal example of passiveness which, at first, might seem very insignificant, but serves the purpose of showing how passiveness plagues even a 60 second encounter with people: It’s about me ordering an ice cream from McDonald’s (this was before I started dieting). So here I was at the counter placing the order. I ordered a McFlurry Oreo, handed over the money and waited for my turn. But what I got was not what I ordered… McFlurry Kit Kat! The interesting part is this: Neither did I complain nor did I ask for refund. I thought doing so would be a hassle so I simply walked away.

This is how being passive feels like. You don’t get to speak your mind and even when you do, you speak the wrong words. Since the ice cream incident I have been trying to be more assertive and choosy when it comes to complying with others. In this effort, I’ve come across some techniques which I’ll share here. These techniques will help you become more assertive and make it a lot easier to say no.

Using the word BECAUSE

When trying to decline a request, make sure you use the word “because” even if there’s no evident need of doing so. Here’s what a research from a Harvard Psychologist Ellen Langer shows: While she was waiting in line to use the photocopy machine of a library, she asked people “Excuse me, I have five pages, may I use the machine?”. Only 60 percent let her make copies. Then she made a simple adjustment to her request and the compliance from people reached 93 percent! This time she asked “Excuse me, I have five pages, may I use the machine because I am in a rush?”.

The weirdest thing about this experiment is the effect of the word “because”. People didn’t really bother whether she was in a rush or not, their reaction was purely subconscious. The reason is that Ellen Langer repeated the experiment for a third time with yet another modification to the request. This time she said ” Excuse me, I have five pages, may I use the machine because I have to make some copies?” Well, everyone was there to make copies. But guess what, again 93 percent let her make the copies. People merely responded to the word because.

Don’t be Sorry

Don’t be sorry for something you haven’t done. It’s not your fault that you are busy or it’s your son’s birthday or this is the vacation you’ve been longing for. Being overly apologetic is the hallmark of a passive person. Though sorry seems to be the hardest word (haven’t you heard that song?), it’s the one word we tend to use when we think of being nice. Read what Jo Ellen and Robin Chandler have to say in their book “The Nice Factor”:

“Along with apology is the perpetual asking for permission. Nice people ask permission for everything, including whether it’s all right to ask permission. Asking permission means that you can be refused. Asking permission is a clear indicator to other people that you’re not sure whether it’s all right, and it puts you in a subservient role.”

Train the Brain: Try it at a Restaurant

Using the techniques alone don’t guarantee 100% success, although you might still receive disapproval from others. And this is the major cause of why many of us have settled for passiveness, simply because we cannot face negative reactions. So now is the time for us to train our brain to be cool and calm despite danger. This is an exercise I have borrowed from a book (I can’t recall the name at the moment). Here it goes:  Go to a restaurant and ask for the menu. Take your time to read the menu… but don’t order anything. Walk out! Do this at a restaurant you haven’t been before or don’t plan to go anytime soon! This exercise trains your mind in two ways: First it expands your comfort zone and second it trains you not be apologetic.

In a Nutshell

In a nutshell, do the following things when trying to assert your “no”:

1. Use the word “because”
2. Don’t be apologetic
3. Prepare for but don’t fear a negative reaction

I’ve been using the above techniques quite successfully. Do let me know how it turns out for you!

Stand up for yourself.

If you are really into assertiveness and the art of influence, I’d highly recommend you read the following books: Influence, The Nice Factor, The Psychology of Persuasion and Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No.

This post was written by my friend Osman Safdar.
Please check out www.OsmanSafdar.com for more.

Image by www.growabrain.typepad.com

www.AnnaMorten.com